The left and the right...

(photo)

As I checked my email today and learned, disappointingly, that I was not chosen for one of the three major scholarships I applied to for my year at the University of Edinburgh, I realized that I have plenty of reasons to be anxious as well as excited about the upcoming school year.

My mind is made up; I'm going. I made that decision well over a year ago, but now, as we get into summer with a little over three months to departure, I'm getting that sort of anxious, curdled feeling that comes with worries and woes about money and "the future" and "my path." My right and left brain are constantly at odds: one part of me wants everything planned out ad infinitum, and the other part of me prefers to go with the flow.

I suppose there's always going to be anxiety about making any kind of life-altering decision. This masters program only takes one calendar year, which my left brain is really happy to know is totally regimented and planned, but the material point is that once I've done it, I can't really go back to the way things were/are. Student debt is a killer. And I have a hard time not picturing a giant black hole of life/career uncertainty after I graduate. My left brain wants to make sure I have a fallback plan; my right brain is sure something will work out as long as I'm smart about my choices and work my hardest. Both are probably correct.

I'm awaiting word on two more major scholarships, and one other smaller external one. Crossing fingers, but money isn't everything. If it was, I'd not have chosen to be an art historian!